By
Darth Ignotus
(Translated by Scott Wagland)
I can keep my silence no longer- it’s time to blow the lid on one of the most nefarious organisations in the universe, an organisation that for too long has hidden behind it’s carefully crafted public image, who have ruthlessly exploited the masses to push their agenda while their agents have stifled all dissent. I’m talking, of course, about the Jedi.
The ‘defenders of peace and justice throughout the galaxy’…or are they? This is the slogan they’ve drummed into the compliant populace, one they even believe of themselves; but who’s ‘peace’ and who’s idea of ‘justice’ are they defending? Their own of course. Unelected, unaccountable, they wield a power hugely disproportionate to their numbers. Each member the equivalent of a small army, they blitz through the universe acting as judge, jury and (often) executioner in matters large and small. But when was the last time you heard of someone appealing their decisions (if left alive)? When was the last time you heard of an inquiry into whether a Jedi overstepped the mark, on whether it was a “good” sabering?
The answer is never, thanks to the two greatest weapons in the Jedi public relations arsenal. The first of course is the Jedi ‘mind trick’ (also known as the ‘Jedi mind rape trick’, or ‘Force Roofie’). The Jedi have always shown nothing but contempt for free will, and it reaches it’s pinnacle here, in their ability to reach into a person’s mind and rewrite their thoughts, to convince them an alternate reality took place, or to change their very concept of self- to brainwash them. Why waste time trying to convince people you’re right when you can Force them to think your way with the wave of a hand? Don’t convince that guy that deathsticks are bad for him- just reach into his mind and force him to believe it; after all, you know what’s best for him.
The second is the organisation composed of both Jedi and ideologically aligned members, the “You can go about your business, Move along” organisation, or “Move Along org.” for short. This “grass roots” organisation, directed by Jedi and funded by well known Jedi supporter the billionaire Bail Organa of Alderaan, is a public relations juggernaut dedicated to making sure all negative reports of Jedi behaviour are immediately quashed, and their disseminators discredited. Threats, intimidation, personal visits to ‘re-educate’ by Jedi (via mind rape trick or lightsaber), and it’s not just limited to political opponents and the general public- often the worst is saved for those who ‘should know better’. Even the smallest sign of discontent when confronted with the worst atrocities can lead to a Jedi being linked to the ‘Dark side’ of the Force. The penalty? Immediate execution. No trials, no warnings, a death squad is immediately dispatched since it’s ‘too dangerous’ to let a Dark Jedi live. Move Along org. is a ruthless, fanatical order devoted to the notion that the Jedi are always right and must never be questioned. Ever.
Anyone who doesn’t lock step with the Jedi on every issue has strayed from the Light side to the Dark. So what is the Light Side? We can only go by what the Jedi tell us. They say they are in tune with the Force, that they are the special ones and only they can communicate with it (though they also tell us it runs through all things). In other words, we’ll have to take their word for it. Certainly they can demonstrate other powers conferred on them by the Force, such as the ability to dodge the blaster fire of droids and soldiers who can’t reliably hit stationary targets; extraordinary athleticism and the obsessive compulsion to do superfluous back flips and spins during hand to hand combat; the telepathic ability strip away the free will of others, and the telekinetic ability to choke those on whom the telepathy fails. These are aspects of the Force that we cannot question the existence of. But what about others uses? The ability to feel what’s right and wrong; the ability to see the future (or at least a possible future that may or may not happen- also known as the Jedi Imagination trick). When it comes to matters of ideology we just have to take their word for it. They know what’s best for us. They claim it’s a matter of being in tune with the Force, not just indoctrination of their disciples who are ripped away from their families and raised in a cloistered environment. Never mind that anyone old enough to have started to form their own moral standards and independent view of the universe is “too old to start the training”.
The Jedi always know what’s right. They always know what’s best. The Jedi are the guardians of peace and justice. They’d never do anything morally questionable, and surely they see all sentient beings as equals, and stamp out injustice wherever they see it. Take an issue such as slavery- the Jedi claim to be against it. But when it comes to actually doing something about it the Jedi are conspicuously quiet. The Jedi are quite content to cruise around Coruscant in their flying limousines, talking about how bad slavery is, yet never actually travel to outlying planets such as Tatooine to do something about it. In one well documented case a Jedi, having failed to steal engine parts through the Jedi Fraud trick, discovered a young slave with strong Force potential. Did he pull off a dashing rescue to free the boy from this life? Did he whip out his lightsaber to end this injustice? No, he treated the boy like property and legally obtained him through a bet. He also made it quiet clear that had the boy failed a blood test, he would have been left in that slavery, and even failed to rescue the boy’s slave mother through the fairly simple process of opening the hatch as they flew past.
Perhaps the limousine Jedi and those at the Move Along org. felt that it was wrong to interfere in another planet’s cultural practices. That what is unacceptable on Coruscant is fine on Tatooine because their customs are “different but equal”. But another incident shows the Jedi even used slaves themselves- and not just any slaves, but an army of child slaves. When the Jedi found the clones they may have been physically mature, but they were emotionally and mentally just children, raised to be soldiers and taught to blindly follow orders, and never allowed a life of their own. Did the Jedi free them? Did the Jedi attempt to release them from their conditioning? No. They were never even considered to be individuals (though this is not uncommon, since the Jedi always put the group ahead of the individual- with themselves leading of course). The Jedi sent these child soldiers straight into battle, faceless expendable slaves. After all, the Jedi have always seen soldiers as uneducated mindless drones who aren’t as enlightened as they are, and deserving of their fate.
It would be good to go back to that slave boy as a case study in Jedi ideology. The reason he (and only he) was freed from his slavery was that the Jedi felt he (Anakin) was the Chosen one of a prophecy and that he would bring balance to the Force. It would be good to remember that when he was first discovered there were no confirmed Dark Jedi around, and even during his upbringing there were at most two at any given time, versus the thousands of Light Jedi. The Jedi felt he would bring balance to the Force by eliminating the Dark Jedi: thousands versus two, and they felt his ‘balancing’ role was to eliminate the two (this method of prophecy interpretation is known as the “Fairness Doctrine”). It was therefore a great surprise to the Jedi (but not to anyone else) when Anakin was turned(driven) to the Dark Side and actually balanced the Force, making it two on two for a considerable number of years.
But what turned Anakin to the Dark Side? He was trained by a master who was convinced he always knew what was best for the people, who ignored the law and democracy as he tried to shape the galaxy into his version of what he thought it should be, who showed nothing but contempt for free will, who left a trail of the dead and the dismembered behind him wherever he went, and had no trouble sending enslaved soldiers to their graves like beds. Then later under Palpatine things didn’t get much better.
The final straw came when the Jedi attempted a coup d'état against the Republic and tried to assassinate the democratically and constitutionally elected Chancellor Palpatine. Anakin had sworn to protect the Republic and it’s laws, and attempted to do the right thing. When he found the Chancellor had been illegally masterminding his political rise and playing both sides of the war he attempted to follow the rules. He presented the evidence to his Jedi superiors- and what was their response? Go public? Hold an inquiry? Call an emergency session of the Senate and impeach the Chancellor? No. Send a death squad. The people couldn’t be trusted to make the right decisions. The Senate might not do the ‘enlightened’ thing. The Jedi knew what was best- immediate execution without trial. Throwing the constitution out the window, assassinating the elected leader of the Republic, executing someone suspected of a wrongdoing without trial- that is what drove poor Anakin, pledged to protect the Republic (which he’d fought for and even lost a limb for), over the edge.
Execution without trial, and on what evidence? One verbal report. They didn’t question Anakin because he had told the Jedi exactly what they wanted to hear- that it was just one man’s fault. Why was there a separatist war going on at the time? Why else would anyone resist their enlightened rule? It was much easier to reduce the whole mess to a simple (Move Along org. approved) slogan- Palpatine lied, people died. Easier to say the war was manufactured by one man’s lust for power than to acknowledge that he didn’t create every issue, though he may have taken advantage of them. The Trade Federation doesn’t want to pay exorbitant taxes on outlying trade routes to fund the Coruscant Performing Arts Centre? They’re greedy. Other separatists are sick of paying for the education and living expenses of Tri-Gender Studies undergraduates on Alderaan? Bigots. That people weren’t blindly following the enlightened Jedi approved Senate’s laws? They’ve been corrupted by the Dark Side- send in the Child Clone Army (and ignore the fact that the evil greedy rebels sent lifeless droids into battle, while the enlightened Jedi led slaves; and ignore that other Light side Jedi who mocked and exploited the religion of the Ewoks to lead them to slaughter at the Battle of Endor). That Palpatine had a secret hand in the confrontation doesn’t mean the rebellion wasn’t for the most part a legitimate reaction to centralised oppression and excessive taxation that existed long before his rise to the Chancellorship; yet that is the impression those who only listen to the Move Along org. approved histories receive- that it was all the fault of greedy capitalists; that Palpatine lied and people died.
The ‘enlightened’ Jedi knew what was best, so send in the child army to squash the separatists. We can’t trust the Senate to be enlightened enough to convict the Chancellor, so send in the death squad. The Jedi know what’s best for the people, and will give it to them regardless of whether they ask for it or not. Democracy is great, as long as you’re on our side: otherwise it’s broken; elections have been stolen; the people have been misled; the opposition’s supporters are just ignorant, uneducated, bigoted, heartless hicks. If you’ve been ‘corrupted’ by the Dark side, your opinion doesn’t matter. For all their lip service to democracy all that matters to the Jedi is that their view reigns supreme. How fitting that the battle between Palpatine and Jedi Grand Master Yoda took place on the deserted Senate floor.
The Jedi only care about their version of peace and justice. Hopefully the message will get out this time- many Bothans have died trying to distribute it. It’s almost like I can sense the Jedi bearing down on me, a presence I’ve not felt since…
Actually, on seconds thoughts I think I’ve been unfair to the Jedi. They’re wonderful champions of peace and light. You can go about your business.
Move along.
Copyright © Scott Wagland 2007. Do not reproduce without permission. All rights reserved.